It’s been a funny few months. We have decided to move house. The girls are busier than ever. More testing (and angst) at school for them. Tricky work situations. Hubby has been away. The last few months have been a whirlwind (when isn’t it?) and I can hardly believe we are now in April. I started a Reiki course back in February and that has helped give me permission to allow myself space while still fulfilling my need to do something helpful for others.
Like many people I find it difficult to accept other people nurturing me. I could over analyse why that is – heaven knows I’ve soul searched over the years. I know I hold beliefs about how worthy I am (or not). I know I fear rejection if I don’t ‘make’ people happy. I know I over commit to things and feel completely responsible for other people’s feelings and actions. And I know in reality that it’s just the voice in my head talking a load of rubbish.
But my voice is very loud.
This morning the universe spoke loudly too. Through my 7 year old daughter. A wise head – older than her years – but also refreshingly puppy-ish in her approach to life.
I was grumpy this morning. Failing on many levels to reach my perfect mum image. Failing on all levels in fact. The girls were bickering, a removal van was blocking our way to school, we were late anyway, I’d worked until 2am last night and opened my emails at 7am to receive a very rude and stroppy message from a close colleague. I think I even swore in front of the children (not at them though. Does that offer me some salvation?!). It was not good. I was uptight and being snappy and unpleasant and I knew it. That just made me more snappy and unpleasant as I wrestled with my shame.
I looked and felt like this
Brave 7yr old: what’s wrong with you this morning? You’re being horrible.
Me: (grumpy voice) I’m tired and worrying about some stuff at work. I didn’t get to bed until half past 2. That’s really late.
7yr old: (compassionate and sincere voice) Do you feel like you’ve only had one hours sleep? That’s a horrible feeling.
It wasn’t much. But do you know what? That drop of empathy has changed my day. Where she found that empathy i will never know. My stress was stressing them both out. But she found a second to think differently about it. Tears came to my eyes and I was so grateful for her attempt to understand me. I thanked her.
7yr old: Let’s be happy. I know just the thing. We can all listen and sing to One Direction! Loudly!
Not my first choice of pick me up music.
But we did. And it was the Best Song Ever.