Let me tell you a story…
Holidays are over and I was back to work today. My girls stayed with their grandparents last night and today as they don’t go back to school until tomorrow. Hubby was out with friends yesterday afternoon when I dropped the girls off at Grandma’s…and I had every intention of coming home, opening my laptop and checking those work emails to ‘prepare’ for today.
But a quiet house was way too tempting – and not an opportunity to waste! I gave a fleeting thought to those work emails and then decided I would be better ‘prepared’ for the onslaught of the new term if I actually bothered to look after myself. So the laptop stayed closed. What a rebel. No. Really. That did feel quite rebellious.
I went to our box room and lit some incense (I love incense but hubby is less keen. The box room keeps the smell contained!) and sat for about half an hour just meditating. Afterwards I did an exercise from Jay Linden’s article I found here
I certainly would like more flow and less struggle so I was committed to working through some of the things she spoke about. It seemed so easy! I started with the first question;
What resentments are you still holding onto?
Oh, dear Jay – I don’t have any resentments. I don’t need to do this. I’m all forgiving! I’ve read all the books about letting go, changing your thoughts, forgiving. Of course I don’t hold any reesentments.
Oh. Hang on. There might be one or two… not very big one’s though…
It all poured out within minutes. All those buried resentments that on the surface you would never know were there. I didn’t really know were there (or had ignored very effectively). And there’s probably still a whole load more there that I haven’t admitted yet. As I was writing them down I realised this was my story.
You know that story? The one that guides our life? The thoughts that create our reality? Well there it was. Right in front of me. The reasons why I sometimes feel so rubbish. And I’d only got to question 1!
Now, I don’t feel rubbish all the time. Just sometimes. Most people would describe me as a positive person – in fact two of my work colleagues said exactly that today. I have pretty good ‘happy habits’ that are often on display. But I don’t always feel like that inside. And all those resentments were the reason why.
I realised I harboured buried resentments against some of the people I love the most. That doesn’t mean I love them any less but it does explain why I sometimes find it difficult to stay connected to them, I harbour resentments against people I work with, people in my past, political figures and celebrities. It was quite a wake up call to someone like me who strives to be open and non-judgemental!!! I am clearly very good at keeping it hidden even from myself.
My reality will remain ‘resentment’ if my story stays as resentment. I wrote down ‘I resent how I was treated when my job expired last year’ ‘I resent how XXXX seems to get everything so easily’… blah blah blah. Lots of blame. You’ll notice it’s all in the present tense. I noticed it was all in the present tense. I resent. A verb. If that story doesn’t change then I will continue to resent.
I worked through the rest of the questions – all very helpful – and I believe I have started to let go of some of those resentments simply by being willing to look at them. They’re not gone – yet. They obviously serve me somehow.
But they will go completely and I will find something more helpful to serve me. I am changing my story.
‘Once upon a time there was a girl who held more resentments than she ever dared to admit. They hid from her but were heavy and weighed her down. One day the light caught them and they were exposed. The girl didn’t want to keep them anymore and gave them wings to fly and never return. And that’s what happened. The light replaced those resentments with love and understanding. The End’
Yep. It’s going to be that easy!!! Really, it is… Honest. I shall just let them go….
What story do you tell yourself? I’d be interested to know.
Spinning Plates and Staying Sane 